Our Grand Time-Out: Day 378

“Not to feel exasperated, or defeated, or despondent because your days aren't packed with wise and moral actions. But to get back up when you fail, to celebrate behaving like a human - however imperfectly - and fully embrace the pursuit that you've embarked on.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

I’m counting March 1 as the beginning of the Time-Out because that’s when the effects of the lockdowns began to be felt here in the US. In my time-out I’ve gone through all the range of rough emotions. I’ve been sad, frustrated, angry, despondent, scared, even bored. I’ve also had times when I forced myself to do the things. I’ve done some therapy. I checked in with Coach Elli. I’ve done journaling, yoga, zooms things, classes, mediation, self care. I’ve over eaten. I’ve tried to eat more vegetables. I’ve gone for long, long walks. I’ve done yoga, pushups and chin ups. I’ve also had days where I barely got off the coach. I’ve played through Red Dead Redemption 2. I’ve gotten new high scores for myself in Halo Reach Fire Fight. And I pushed my way through some of the projects you’ve been seeing like my book and podcast.

I guess what I’m saying is that this hasn’t been easy and today was an example of a not easy day.

I woke up with a bout of melancholy. After too much screen time in the morning, I forced myself off the couch to head to my favorite grocery store Parker’s Table to get some good things to eat. Sometimes that works. It didn’t. After lunch, I went back to bed and slept. I fell into such a deep sleep I thought I was waking up to a new day after a 45 minute nap. I woke up with a horrible headache. Downed as much water as I could then forced myself outside to go for walk. (When I say forced, I really mean it. Nothing in me wanted to do it, but I made myself like when an adult would kick me outside as a kid to get some fresh air.)

I ordered some loose leaf tea from The London Tea Room clear on the other side of my park to force myself to walk at least that far. I picked up my oolong tea and started back, but by then I was feeling more me. The blood was flowing, even though the skies are gray flowers are juuuuust starting to arrive. My mood was lifting.

That got me thinking about a topic I’ve been pondering (I was thinking about it when I was on the bench above looking at an empty kickball field). Where does positive psychology, positive thinking, motivation, and the like end and Toxic Positivity begin?

I heard this term for the first time last week during a podcast interview and recognized its significance immediately because I’ve done it to myself. In the worst of the rough time I went through that I talk about in AfterLIFE, there were times when I told myself things would be better, everything happens for a reason, you’ll get through this. A part of my heard and accepted this and another part may or may not have replied, to myself, with an F-bomb.

Other times like today I’m grateful for the tools I have, the lessons I’ve learned that have been useful to me. I’m still struggling to understand this and I have a great understanding and empathy for those who are suffering.

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to use something in me to pull myself through some really terrible things. Sometimes it was enough to get myself up and moving other times it just wasn’t. I’ve been through dark periods where none of what I was trying to do for myself worked and my heart goes out to anyone struggling and I my hope with all that I’m doing is just to put some positive into this world.

I’ve been through dark periods where none of what I was trying to do for myself worked and my heart goes out to anyone struggling and I my hope with all that I’m doing is just to put some positive into this world.

I’m eternally grateful for others who have written words that soothed my soul through time and space. Like the quote from Marcus Aurelius above or when Viktor Frankel said “What is to give light must endure burning.”

In this time-out many of us are enduring plenty of burning. Many of us may feel “feel exasperated, or defeated, or despondent” from just the weight of this collective trauma or however we may have been touched by this time.

I’m not a coach, guru, or a therapist. Just a passenger like you floating on this damp speck of dust though space. I don’t have a grand conclusion or insight as I’m still trying to figure it out for myself. Let’s be kind, patient, loving, and helpful to ourselves and each other. Offer help where we can. A kind word. And sometime just space. And always, always, always love so that we can hopefully find the strength ourselves or help another get back up and celebrate behaving like a humans- however imperfectly - and fully embrace the pursuit that you've embarked on. To paraphrase a long dead, but wise, Roman Philospher.

Be well. I feel that we are moving out of whatever this is into somethings new, though I know we have a ways to go. I wish you strength and love.

Best,

Carlo