Pursuing What You Want vs What You Are “Supposed” to Want
“Man must choose whether to be rich in things or in the freedom to use them.”
― Ivan Illich
Dream schools, dream cars, dream houses, dream weddings, and dream vacations are are often the things society encourages and expects us to want and do...so many of us, including me for decades, pursue these things without much thought because these thing were laid out for us as just what you do.
So many people live a life that looks sound from the outside because they have and do the things they are “supposed” to, the middle class trapping of “success”, and are paying for it by selling their life day after day, week after week to pay the banks who financed their “stuff”. Often though, if pressed, they’ll tell you their real dream. Like “If I won the lottery, I’d go here, do that. I be a ______. I’d help this or that cause. I’d spend more time on my health. I’d have more time with my family. I’d learn this or that.” I can’t recommend strongly enough to keep asking yourself “If money were no object, how would I spend my time? What would I do, where would I live, what would my days be like?” If you had 10 years left to live, how would you spend them? What books would you read, where would you go, who would you spend time with?
Get a journal just for this and keep at it. Keep asking. Answer as if you had no limitations what you could do, just a time limitation. Keep at this until you know the direction you want to go. It doesn’t have to be totally clear or even a big thing! The smallest “yes” can start an avalanche of change in your life!
In my book, AfterLIFE, Waking Up from My American Dream, I told some of the stories that pulled me in a direction that transformed nearly every area of my life. I told the story of how just saying yes to building some furniture for my home gave me the courage to say yes to a string of things that continue until today!
Things to keep in mind:
Not everyone in currently in your life will support you. If you vocalize pursuing some dream or passion that is not what the people in your life “do”, you may be given an unsolicited list of why that’s dumb or doomed to fail. You might be judged, ridiculed, or laughed at. You might stories about how someone tried to do this or that…and failed…implying you probably would too. Stay strong, be careful who you share your dreams with. Find other dreamers and take action. One thing I do for motivation is to read biographies of people I admire. Michelangelo disappointed his father when when he decided to be a sculptor. Ben Franklin disobeyed his father and broke a contract with his brother to run away to Philadelphia to pursue is dream. Seek out people, living or dead, to stoke your fire and give you the courage!
Be prepared to fight your own negative beliefs, self image, and self talk. I worked with therapist the past 10 years to help dive into and look at things IN ME that were holding me back and creating self limiting beliefs…thing I still fight. I still struggle giving me permission to do what I want, but I’m getting better at wrestling with it. The right coach or accountability buddy can be a great tool as well!
Remember, it’s a journey. What you REALLY want, may take years to get. That’s ok. It has taken your whole life to get where you are…spend the rest of your life building what you want. Treat the pursuit of you dreams like a journey. Make a plan, prepare, and take action…course correcting as you go. “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.” Bill Gates. I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in this last decade and am grateful for the pain I went through to learn and grow.
Long term planning is hard for some people. If it’s hard for you, find someone who is good at it. Someone who is living a life you would like and ask them. Read books, watch videos, take classes, and feed your mind anything and everything to help you. The library and internet give you access to virtually all of humanity’s wisdom for pennies. Take advantage of this goldmine.
If your current path isn’t taking you where you want to go, do some planning. A financial planner can help you see what you might need financially to reach your goals. What expenses you can get rid of and/or how much you’ll need to earn. If your current career path won’t take you there, you can research what skills you need to have to earn what you want or need to earn. When I was a financial planner, I had clients change careers when I showed them how there was no way their current path would get them where they wanted to go. A life coach may be helpful too, to help you look strategically and tactically at your life to help you make the decisions you need to make. Be open to change!
Think outside the box! What you want may require sacrifices, big and small, of time, money, and things that “everyone else has”. Or a way of living or even the place you live. What are you willing to sacrifice for what you REALLY WANT? When you have that clear vision, it gets easier to say no to things and commitments that don’t take you towards your goal. If you want it bad enough. The fantasy of having it all is like a quicksand that traps the majority of us. I know, because I was there for too long!
The more clear you get about what you want the greater fire you’ll have in moving towards it. And you’ll be motivated to make decisions to make what some would perceive as “sacrifices” to the normal way of living. “Sacrifices” in your daily spending habits with your time and money. Giving up television or social media, or at least reducing your consumption, will feel easy and natural when you feel like you are taking definitive action in the direction of you dreams! Also, the more you say yes to what you want, the more confidence and resilience you’ll have to keep going even if you do get unsolicited negative comments or advice or if and when you have set backs.
Life is short, live YOUR dream life now.
Best of luck,
Carlo